Warriors Wipeout
by FluffyVanilla
Summary: Lights! Camera! Action! Pollentip, Augustfox, and Tansyheart are hosts of this season of Warriors Wipeout. Watch our favorite cats hilariously fail in this extremely spoofy spoof! Rated K because of non-graphic, Brokenstar-related, kit abuse. Also written by Empress Tansy, when we worked together. c:
1. Part One

**A/N-**

**Hello!**

**Yes, this is my first story. Oh well. Deal with it.**

**Disclaimer: No, I do not own any of these characters, except Pollentip.**

EPISODE 1!  
>Round 1!<p>

Part 1!  
>Pollen: *Gray tabby she-cat sitting in a chair by August and holding a microphone in forepaw* Hello, Clans! Welcome to Wipeout: Warriors Edition!<br>August: *Brown-and-ginger tabby she-cat also holding microphone* I'm August, here with Pollen and Tansy.  
>Tansy: *Ginger she-cat with leaf-green eyes sitting in front of the course a few fox-lengths away* Today, 24 ordinary cats will try and conquer the biggest, toughest, and most ridiculous obstacle course in the world!<br>Pollen: The pair of contestants still standing at the end of Wipeout will win 50,000 mice.  
>August: The first round of obstacles include The Slippery Stairs, The Lollipop Punch, The Big Balls, and The Block Swing. The fastest 6 pairs will advance to the next round!<br>Pollen: And one step closer to the Wipeout Zone and the 50,000 mice prize!  
>Tansy: Let's take a look at our first contestants: Barley and Ravenpaw!<br>Ravenpaw: IdontwanttodothisGetthatcameraawayfromme!  
>Barley: Get away, you badger! Get away!<br>August: BADGER?  
>Pollen: *Ignoring co-host's eccentricities* Ravenpaw looks a bit nervous today. Hopefully, he will overcome that by the end of the show.<br>August: It looks like Barley isn't exactly thrilled to be here, either. Tansy'd better keep her distance from him.  
>Tansy: …<br>Raven: ...  
>Pollen: Okay, let's get to it!<br>August: First, Ravenpaw and Barley will have to make their way across the floating platforms to the slippery stairs.  
>Ravenpaw: ImsoscaredrightnowicanteventhinkNoonetoldmetherewouldbewater.<br>*Ravenpaw falls into water*  
>Barley: I must get away from the evil badger!<br>*Barley races across floating platforms*  
>Tansy: It's a poor start for Ravenpaw, but maybe Barley's fearfulness will pull them through to the next round!<br>*Barley reaches the Slippery Stairs*  
>Barley: Evil badger!<br>August: STOP SAYING THAT!  
>*Barley launches himself up the stairs, hindpaws barely skimming the steps, making it to the top while ignoring the gushing torrent of water*<br>Ravenpaw: SomeonehelpmeoutofthiswaterIcantswimihateobstaclecourses!  
>August: Barley is doing very well so far, but I can't say the same for his partner.<br>Pollen: Well, while we wait for those two to finish up, let's see our next contestants.  
>August: Next pair- Midnight and Purdy!<br>Pollen: *Hissing* Purdy, you can come out now.  
>Purdy: When I was a young tom, I-<br>Tansy: Alright then Purdy. Get on with it.  
>Purdy: What's an interview again?<br>Tansy: It's when we ask you questions that will be shown live at your and the four other clans.  
>August: *Whispering* Umm... Pollen? where's Midnight?<br>Pollen: I thought she was in the dirtplace.  
>August: Pollen! We don't have a dirtplace!<br>Pollen: Well, now would be a good time for a break. *Glances shiftily about*

*Scene changes*  
>*Tom Announcer*<br>-Are you tired of having blood on your paws when you walk into camp after killing some-cat?  
>Tigerstar, Hollyleaf, and Brokenstar: Yes!<br>-Well, now you don't have too! With the new Squirrelflight's Paw Cleaner! If you call in now, we'll double your offer for only 15 mice! Wow! 15 mice!  
>*She-cat announcer with a high, fast, squeaky voice*<br>-Only for buyers over 13 moons. Must show legal papers before buying Squirrelflight's Paw Cleaner.

*Scene Changes*  
>*Air horn sounds*<br>Purdy: I'm not sure about this.  
>*Air horn sounds*<br>Purdy: Shut it, ya' confounded sound! I'm too old for this.  
>*Air horn*<br>Purdy: I ain't going!  
>Pollen: Go or I'll bring Mousefur back to life!<br>Purdy: *Runs full-out towards the first obstacle but slams into a concrete support beam and falls into the water*  
>Tansy: Ooh, that… that was something.<br>Pollen: Oh, August, did you see that!? I think Purdy and Midnight will be put right out of the game after that hit! …August? Where…?  
>August: *Faintly, in the distance* MIDNIGHT!<br>Pollen: Okay, maybe now would be another good time for a break.

*Scene changes*  
>*Feminine announcer voice*<br>-Hey, she-cats. Have you and your mate had trouble keeping the den organized?  
>Squirrelflight: Bramblestar, stop leaving your diary in the entrance! Seedkit read the bad pages after tripping over it!<br>Bramblestar: Then stop putting your fur dye on my sink!  
>Bumblestripe: You're not a natural ginger?<br>Squirrelflight: I'm gonna kill you, Bramblestar!  
>-Then try the new Easy-Clean Stuff Separator by Ashfoot. Simple to use; just put what belongs to him in one basket and your make-up and vampire novels in the other!<br>Bramblestar: You read Twilight?  
>Squirrelflight: THE WARRIORS ONE.<br>-But wait, there's more! Call 999-999-9992 now and get the all-new Warriors book, Ashfoot's Awesomeness!  
>Bumblestripe: I don't think that's a real—<br>-QUIET YOU. So call now!

*Scene changes*  
>Pollen: And now back tooooo...Warriors Wipeout!<br>August: Fortunately, Purdy and Midnight won't be joining us, as I hate BADGERS.  
>Pollen: She means that Purdy had to go to the emergency den. Next up we have… Ferncloud and Ashfur.<br>Fern: Does my fur look okay, Ashy?  
>Ash: *Grumbling* It looks fine.<br>Tansy: So why are you guys on Warriors Wipeout?  
>Fern: Nevermind that. I want to thank Dustypelt and Spideryboo and Shrewypaw and Holly-bear and Larchykit and...<br>Ash: *Trying to push Ferncloud off stage* Wouldn't now be a good time for a commercial break?

*Ravenpaw sits by Barely in the barn, watching boredly as mice frolick.*  
>Raven: ImsoboredNothingeverhappensthoughthat'sgoodbecauseIdon'tlikescarynewthings.<br>Barley: Yeah, new things are scary. But I miss my mate.  
>Hattie: *Struts in being adorable* Hello toms. *Leaves*<br>Raven: Ohmygoshdidyouseethat?  
>Barley: Maybe she was barn with it.<br>Mouse: Maybe it was Maybelline!  
>Barley: Dude, did that mouse just talk? That's terrifying!<br>*The Maybelline logo floats onto screen, then all is black*

*Scene Changes*  
>Tansy: Hi again, and welcome back to Warriors Wipeout!<br>Fern: *In background* And Ashykins and my mommy Brindly….  
>Tansy: Shut it Ferncloud! Now we'll be interviewing…Flametail and Tawnypelt.<br>Tawny: So what are you going to ask ask...?  
>Tansy: I WAS GOING TO SAY, is Flametail happy now?<br>Flame: Ummm... Idk what you're talking about.  
>Tawny: Now Flametail, we must use our proper grammer.<br>Flame: Mom, you spelled grammar wrong!  
>Tawny: *Tackling cameracat* CUT!<br>*The screen goes fuzzy, flickers off, then flicks back on*  
>Pollen: Unfortunately, we had some technical difficulties, and the team of Tawnypelt and Flametail had been disqualified. Now, back to the action!<br>Tansy: Next up, we have Bumblestripe and Millie.  
>Millie: Wait, I thought I was going on with my lovely, beautiful, charismatic, clever, charming, intelligent, perfect daughter Briarlight. I'm out; sorry kid.<br>Bumble: Wait! No! I don't have a partner now!  
>August: Easily resolved, my dear Bumblestripe! I'll simply pull a name out of Tansy's Diary. *Whips out thick leather-bound book and opens* Who's this Ash guy with the hearts?<br>Tansy: What?  
>Pollen: *Taking book with a furious death-glare* What she means is, let's pull a name out of allegiances. Eeiny, meiny…<br>August: JUST PICK ONE.  
>Pollen: You, are, it.<br>Tigerheart: *Falls from sky beside Bumble* Wha? Where am I? *Sees Tansy* Whoa, you look like my brother, only a pretty she-cat.  
>Bumble: Ugh! I can't run the course with him! He used to like my mate!<br>Tansy: Technically, she's not your mate. Wait, did he call me pretty?  
>Bumble: Erin confirmed it! I won't do it.<br>Pollen: Not even for 50,000 mice?  
>*Air horn blows and Bumble starts course.*<br>Bumble: So, how do I do the uh… slippery stairs?  
>Pollen: Elementary! Simply climb up and then down the stairs without your front paws touching the stairs as you push your way past the six thousand gallons of water rushing upward across the stairs!<br>August: *Whispering* Um, Pollen, that's for the human's run next Friday. Remember, they decided to let us host that while the normal guys are in police custody?  
>Pollen: Right. Well then, just… good luck!<br>Bumble: *Teetering on hind paws* I can't do this! It's not possible!  
>Pollen: Well, Ivypool was able to do it when she was training in the Dark Forest. Tigerstar helped us plan the course, and the recruits made sure everything would work out.<br>August: IVYPOOL SHOULD HAVE BEEN WITH YOU, BUMBLE! YOU WERE MADE FOR EACH OTHER!  
>Pollen: *Hissing softly* Stop caps raging, August. We're wasting time; the Erins have made up their minds. We need to finish this before the commercial break. *Much Louder* Hurry up, Bumblestripe!<br>Bumble: *Steps onto first stair case. A colossal tidal wave of water rushes forth and he falls backwards into the water*  
>Tiger: Please. You're pathetic. *Runs through the water easily and lands on the other side*<br>Bumble: *Spiting up water* Hey, didn't you train in the DF? That's not fair!  
>Tiger: I didn't work with this episode's team. That's why I was allowed on. It's just my raw talent that makes me great. *Turns coldly away from Bumble and makes it easily passed the next obstacle*<br>August: Pwnage!  
>Tawny: Incorrect grammar, badger!<br>Pollen: NO! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, YOU MOUSE-BRAINED FOOL!? YOU HAVE SET YOUR FATE IN STONE!  
>August: WHAT DID YA'LL CALL ME!?<br>Tawny: "Ya'll" is not a word, badger.  
>August: …*Slashes off Tawny's ear*<br>Tansy: Owned! She just made a Bible reference!  
>August: FOR NARNIA! *Leaps on Tawny, screaming and caterwauling with utter rage, fangs ripping and claws shredding*<br>Tansy: Owned! She just made a—  
>Bumble: *Climbing drenched onto finish platform* WE KNOW.<p>

*Scene Changes*  
>Hawfrost: I tried so many fur care products, but my fur just didn't look gorgeous enough. *Shakes fur luxuriously*<br>Brokenstar: Catene Cat Shampoo promises a solution! All new Catene reinvented to make your fur as handsome as mine!  
>Hawkfrost: I didn't believe it at first, but look at what Catene has done for me! *Shows of silky-smooth shiny fur*<br>Brokenstar: With all new Catene, your fur will look good all moon!  
>Hawkfrost: And all the she-cats think I'm the most good looking tom in the Dark Forest.<br>Brokenstar and Hawkfrost: Catene Cat Shampoo. For the handsome tom.

*Scene Changes*  
>Tansy: So our next contestants are Squirrelflight and Hollyleaf… wait, isn't…?<br>Pollen: Hush, badger! We are a spoiler-free zone here at Warriors Wipeout!  
>August: *Discontented* Badger? What badger?<br>Pollen: That's what I call Tansy. It's a whole thing.  
>August: …I HATE BADGERS! SHUN THE SPOILER-BADGER TANSY-KITTY!<br>Tansy: ...O_o  
>Squirrel: So, are you gonna interview us or something?<br>Holly: No way, fake-mom. I'm so totally on TV! *Throwing herself in front of the camera* Like, hey Fallen Leaves! Love ya baby!  
>Tansy: Uh, what's her problem?<br>Squirrel: Well, when we were battling the Dark Forest, she hit her head on a rock. She's been kind of off lately.  
>Pollen: Wait, what? I thought…<br>August: SHUN THE SPOILER-BADGER POLLEN-KITTY!  
>Squirrel: Yeah, Erin sort of… stressed the truth to make it seem more dramatic. Hollyleaf is fine… sort of.<br>Pollen: Well, this isn't an interview show, so let's get right to the action!  
>Holly: Oh. My. Gosh. I can NOT get my fur wet.<br>Tansy: *Pushing Hollyleaf whilst whistling* Oops!  
>Holly: AUGHHHHHHHHH! *Utterly misses obstacles and falls onto the finishing platform* AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…. Wait… I'm done.<p>

*Scene changes*  
>Firestar: Hey out there, all you radical young elderly cats still in service!<br>Sandstorm: What!? What did you say!?  
>Dustpelt: Quit your shoutin'! I'm trying to watch the Wheel on the TV set! Confounded old she-cats…<br>Blackstar: What the…? Why you youngsters! Get off of my den entrance! I may be old, but I've still got some fire in my belly!  
>Firestar: Have you been having trouble keeping up with the hustle and bustle of daily life? Well, have I got the solution for you! It's….<br>THE ALL-NEW PRUNE JUICE!  
>Ashfoot: I like me some prune juice. But what does that have to do with anything?<br>Firestar: Simple! The All-New Prune Juice increases balance, agility, strength, hearing, and memory!  
>Reedwhisker: Hey, mom! ThunderClan moved the border up again! Should I send a raid to their camp tonight, or tomorrow morning?<br>Mistystar: …..Who are you?  
>Firestar: So try it today! The All-New New Prune Juice, found in all participating Petsmarts and Mouse-fil-a's!<br>*Fast announcer*  
>-WARNING: New prune juice may cause: itchiness, hallucinations, loss of fur, loss of teeth, loss of appetite, loss of thirst, loss of voice, loss of stuffed animals, irritation of skin, headaches, mild internal bleeding, desire to throw objects, depression, wanting to put –y after names, mooing, hatred of badgers andor communists. Consult your medicine cat before trying.

*Scene changes*  
>Tansy: Let's welcome our next contestants: Yellowfang and Brokenstar!<br>August: AH! BADGER-KITTY'S BACK! SHUN BADGER-KITTY!  
>Pollen: August, calm down. She's just doing an interview.<br>Tansy: Well...moving on.  
>Broken: Get on with it already!<br>Yellowfang: Now, son, mind your manners and let the nice badger interview us.  
>August: I HATE BADGERS!<br>Tansy: I know...I know. So Brokenstar, why are you here today?  
>Brokenstar: Mom thinks if she spends more time with me I'll be a nicer cat.<br>Yellowfang: Don't slouch, Broken-baby! You're on TV!  
>Pollen: Yellowfang, didn't you...<br>August: SHUN THE SPOILER-BADGER POLLEN KITTY!  
>Pollen: What? I wasn't going to say...okay, I was. Sorry, August.<br>Yellowfang: If you're asking if I love my Broken-baby, you're so right!  
>Tansy: Yeah...okay. I don't know what to ask next, so I'm just going to end the interview now.<br>Broken: Good. You're a terrible interviewer. Not one question on my amazing leadership skills or gorgeous fur!  
>Yellow: She doesn't care about your fur! And you kicked me out of the Clan! What kind of leadership skills are those?<br>Tansy: Okay, you two. Break it up so we can get to the rest of the show.  
>*Airhorn sounds*<br>Pollen: Now let's catch up with Brokenstar who's approaching the Big Red Balls.  
>Broken: Hm... How to go about making it across? I guess I could find a kit, tie a rope to its tail, throw it across, have it bite the platform on the otherside, then get Darkstripe to poison it so it won't squirm while I tightrope across.<br>August: ...  
>Tansy:...<br>Pollen: ...  
>Yellow: He's not that bad when you get to know him! GO MY LITTLE BROKEN-BABY!<br>(End of Part 1)


	2. Part Two

**A/N-**

**So. Yes. Part Two is here.**

**Disclaimer: However much I enjoy reading these books, they do not, sadly, belong to me.**

Part 2!  
>Blackstar: Hey, kits!<br>Kits: Senior Blackie! WE LOVE YOU!  
>Blackstar: I love you too, kitty-kins! Guess what I'm here to talk about today?<br>Lilykit: Balloons!  
>Marshkit: Little buttons and smiley stickers you find in your nest sometimes when you're good!<br>Snowkit: The birdsees and the beeses?  
>Blackstar: !? Uh, no Snowy! I'm here to talk about a fun new toy!<br>Kits: Hooray! We love toys!  
>Blackstar: Elders will always need company, and mischief is a top priority! But what can you do on a rainy day in the nursery?<br>Snowkit: *Takes breath to speak*  
>Blackstar: Don't answer that, Snowy. The answer is simple! *Whips out a tub of play-dough*<br>Kits: YAY! We love play-dough!  
>Blackstar: I know you do, kittie-kins! Why don't you all take one?<br>Kits: Hooray! We love you Senior Blackie!  
>Blackstar: I love you too! Parents, play-dough is the leading toy on the mouse market these days. It's a great investment to make; if you're interested in becoming a share-holder, call my office at 333-333-3333 or visit our website at .<br>Kits: WE LOVE PLAY-DOUGH!  
>Snowkit: And I love caramel!<br>Blackstar: Oh, and, fun to play with, not to eat!

*Scene changes*  
>August: Next up we have Pollen's favorite cat!<br>Pollen: Wha? Who are you talking about?  
>August: Oh, you'll see.<br>Tansy: So why did you toms want to be on Warriors Wipeout?  
>Crow: *Grunts*<br>Jay: *Sighing* This was totally Leafpool's idea. She signed us up. Hollyleaf and Squirrelflight, too. She said we needed to "bond."  
>Pollen: JAY-JAY! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!<br>Tansy: Okay then… Crowfeather, what are you going to do about the screaming fancats that are watching you at home?  
>Crow: *Grunts*<br>Tansy: What about you, Jayfeather?  
>Jay: Mom just said to pass out these Jayfeather plushies if the crowd gets wild.<br>Screaming Fancats: We love you Jay-Jay!  
>Pollen: *Pushing screaming fan-cats aside* MINE! *Steals plushies*<br>Tawnypelt: I'm feeling really glad I'm not "Jay-Jay" right now. *Muses* But he is kind of attractive. The whole blind thing works well for him…  
>Pollen: *Bowls into Tawny, screaming Jayfeather's name in an ear-piercing howl. Scraps of tortoiseshell fur fly everywhere as Pollen scores her thorn-sharp claws across the ShadowClan cat's pelt*<br>August: How does that stupid badger keep getting in here?  
>Tawny: I DON'T ACTUALLY LIKE HIM! HE'S MY NEPHEW!<br>August: Ew. But you did imply it.  
>*Airhorn Blows*<br>Jay: *To Crowfeather* I don't feel comfortable doing this. That crazy she-cat announcer is going a bit overboard.  
>Crow: That's why you don't have a mate, son. Do it like your sugar daddy; let the she-cat's moon! *Flies through the first obstacle, then reaches the Lollypop Punch.*<br>August: Sugar daddy?  
>Pollen: *Narrowly missing Tansy as she rolls underneath the Wipeout course* DIE YOU BADGERY, SHADOWCLAN SCUM!<br>Crow: How do I get past the Lollypop Punch?  
>Tansy: Shimmy along the narrow platform, holding on by the rocks on the punching wall.<br>Jay: *Panting as he catches up with father* Why do you call it the punching wall?  
>August: Just run it and see.<br>Crow: OK. *Runs onto platform, quickly being thrown off into the water by a hydraulic red boxing glove shooting out from behind a decorative curtain. An audible crack is heard as he is hit full-on in the face* AUUUUGGHHH! NOT IN THE MOUSE-MAKER!  
>Pollen: *Throwing Tawnypelt to Senior Blackie, who drags his mauled Clanmate back to camp* You are not making my Jay-Jay run that. YOU CAN GO AHEAD TO THE BIG BALLS, JAY-JAY!<br>Jay: Hmm… maybe I should consider this relationship.

*Scene Changes*  
>*Female announcer*<br>-Are you sick of watching all those mice go straight to your middle?  
>Mosskit: I was. That's why I started using Censa!<br>Bluestar: Mosskit, that was my line.  
>Mosskit: So? All I have to do is shake Censa on my meals, and those mice will virtua-<br>Bluestar: -lly disappear!  
>Ferncloud, Nightcloud, and Leafpool: *Shaking Censa on meals as they go down a conveyor belt*<br>Emergency Den Cat: Warning: Censa not proven to work. Don't use unless throwing caution to the wind or overtly, ridiculously obese.  
>Squirrelflight: Like me!<p>

*Scene Changes*  
>Tansy: And next up, we have Daisy and her son, Berrynose. What made you decide you wanted to come on Warriors Wipeout?<br>Daisy: Well, I…  
>Berry: Ugh, shut it, Mom. She was clearly talking to me; the most amazing cat in all the Clans! I know way more than you, plus, I'm ruggedly handsome and I can actually fight, unlike you. Plus I have the best kits in all the Clans, and the most beautiful mate. I used to have the most beautiful mate in the world, but then this snake killed her, and her sister was sad. So, though I being a wonderfully caring and loving cat towards my former mate, I swooped in like the supercat I am and took poor, lovely Poppyfrost under my wing, so now I still have a beautiful mate. Plus, I'm incredibly loyal, brave, daring, thoughtful, considerate, well-rounded, athletic, strong, and most importantly? Humble.<br>Tansy: Uh… so, why did you come?  
>Berry: Extra-credit on my senior thesis.<br>Pollen: Hey, you know what's funny? If Spiderleg and Daisy were still mates, and then Daisy died, then Spiderleg would be a widower! Ha! That's funny, because his name is Spider, and a black widow is a… spider….….I'll shut up now.  
>August: Good plan. And another good plan would be to go to commercial break.<p>

*Scene changes*  
>Tigerstar: Are you having relationship problems?<br>Ashfur: Yes!  
>Tigerstar: Is there a she-cat you love with all your heart who won't give you the time of day?<br>Ashfur: Yes!  
>Tigerstar: Is she seeing a worthless piece of foxdung when she should be with you?<br>Ashfur: Yes!  
>Tigerstar: Then try my revolutionary new service. Tigerstar's Mate Removal! I'll personally remove your ex-girlfriend from your Clan, no questions asked.<br>Ashfur: Where will she go?  
>Tigerstar: Straight to the Dark Forest for breaking your heart!<br>Ashfur: Does it work on kits, too?  
>Tigerstar: It does! Tigerstar's Mate Removal- mending broken hearts since 2008.<p>

*Scene changes*  
>Pollen: Welcome back to Warriors Wipeout, where the water is cold but our hospitality is oh so warm!<br>August: Our friend Berrynose has just reached The Block Swing.  
>Pollen: Tansy, why don't you explain this lovely new obstacle?<br>Tansy: With pleasure. As you can see by this diagram… *Waves paw and a scroll of paper falls from the sky. Picks up and unravels, blushes intensely, and waves paw again. It flies back up into sky* Oops! That's… definitely not the diagram we want…  
>August: You're supposed to wave your left paw. Let's just watch what Berrynose does.<br>Berry: Is this even possible?  
>Pollen: Define possible.<br>Daisy: (From finish platform) Capable of being accomplished!  
>Berry: Hush, mom! I don't need your input; I'm already wondrously intelligent, bold, dashing, skilled, and witty enough to figure it out. *Pads over to the end of the platform jutting out above open water. Grabs hold of the zipline above his head, then leaps off. Zooms toward block wall, them slams into wall, utterly missing the narrow ledge beneath it. Harsh scraping noise is audible as he slides slowly down the block wall, leaving creamy fur behind*<br>Daisy: NO! NOT MY PUNKIN-MUFFIN! MY PERFECT ANGEL!  
>Pollen: Perfect angel? Because of your son, someone (Who's not me!) has to clean the fur and loose flesh off the Block Wall!<br>August: Don't look at me! Make Tansy do it; she has to earn her pay somehow.  
>Tansy: Wait, you get paid?<br>Pollen: *Backing slowly away from co-hosts* Now would definitely be a good time for a break. *Tears away as fast as possible*  
>August: WAIT! DON'T LEAVE ME WITH HER! *Swallows nervously and turns to face Tansy*<p>

*Scene Changes*  
>*Second-rate, shaky recording*<br>Ashfur: Tired of you den smelling like drool?  
>Hollyleaf: Well, duh!<br>Ashfur: Just spray Oust on the area of concern! *Turns nozzle towards face accidentally and sprays*  
>Holly: I need to record this!<br>Ash: SOMEONE GET ME SOME WATER!

*Scene Changes*  
>August: Next, we have a brother and sister team. That's kind of like us, right Pollen?<br>Pollen: Except we're both female and in no way related to each other.  
>August: Huh?<br>Pollen: Let's just get down to the course.  
>Tansy: So, how's life in RiverClan, Mothwing?<br>Moth: Are you insulting the fact that I don't believe in StarClan? You're being narrow-minded, badger!  
>Tansy: I didn't—<br>Moth: That's what I thought. Just don't speak to me.  
>Tansy: *Paw on hip and snapping in zee formation* Fine, girl. I'll just talk to your brother.<br>Moth: Don't you talk like that, girl!  
>Tansy: What was that? I couldn't hear you.<br>Moth: Oh, really? Well you know what, badger? You is—  
>Hawk: She-cats, please! Allow me to push in. *Smiles winningly and tosses luxurious fur*<br>Moth: You fine, brother!  
>Hawk: Oh I know. *Runs paw through forehead fur boyishly*<br>Tansy: Just start the course before I hurt you all.  
>August: Even me?<br>Pollen: No, just them.  
>August: Oh. Okay!<br>Pollen: So let's catch up with Mothwing and Hawkfrost!  
>August: It looks like they're at The Slippery Stairs. Let's see how he and Mothwing will get across.<br>Hawkfrost: I can't climb these stairs! The water will mess up my fabulous fur! It took me an hour to do my fur this morning!  
>Mothwing: Just to it already! Stop worrying about your fur!<br>*Mothwing begins climbing the stairs, slowly but surely making her way to the top*  
>Tansy: It looks like Mothwing has this obstacle under control! Very well done!<br>Hawkfrost: I am not doing this! My fur will get all wet and then Ivypool won't think I'm hot.  
>Mothwing: Ivypool does not think you are good-looking! Climb the stairs before we're disqualified!<br>Hawkfrost: *Calling loudly* Snowtuft, run the course for me!  
>*Snowtuft fall from the sky*<br>Snowtuft: Yes, master!  
>*Snowtuft scrambles up the stairs, but trips and falls into the water*<br>Hawkfrost: Snowtuft, you'll pay for this!  
>Tansy: It looks like Hawkfrost isn't going to do the run.<br>Pollen: Should we disqualify him and Mothwing for having another cat run for him?  
>Mothwing: Please, no! I'm doing so well!<br>Hawkfrost: *Shaking silky fur* I still look good...  
>Pollen: DQ!<br>August: Next interview!  
>Pollen: You sure are in a hurry…<br>August: We've got Bluestar and Mosskit!  
>Mosskit: EEK! Mommy, what's that thing next to the big kitties?<br>Bluestar: That's a badger.  
>Tansy: But I'm not a badger!<br>August: SHUN THE BADGER, MOSSKIT!  
>Mosskit: Mommy, I'm scared of the badger-kitty!<br>Tansy: *Sighs* So why are you two doing the show?  
>Bluestar: Well, I felt bad about Mosskit's death, so now that we're both in StarClan, I want to make it up to my kit.<br>August: That's so nice!  
>Pollen: But Bluestar, isn't it your fault Mosskit...<br>August: SHUN THE SPOILER BADGER POLLEN-KITTY!  
>Pollen: Sorry, August. So, Bluestar, is Mosskit a tom or a she-cat?<br>Bluestar: Well, obviously Mosskit is a...  
>Mosskit: Mommy, the badger's staring at me!<br>*Mosskit runs away*  
>*Bluestar chases after Mosskit*<br>Tansy: I wasn't even looking at her...or him?  
>Blue: Wait… My kit is going to be running an obstacle course? Shouldn't there be an age limit?<br>Pollen: She/He's been dead for years.  
>Blue: But still! She's so small and young!<br>*Airhorn sounds*  
>August: Let's catch up with Mosskit at our Big Balls.<br>Pollen: Yeah, he's really been flying across the course, leaving her protective mother in the proverbial dust.  
>August: You just used both feminine and masculine pronouns in the same sentence.<br>Moss: *Leaps onto first ball, then falls into water*  
>Blue: MY BABY! NOOO! *Faints*<br>Moss: Chill, mom. I'm half RiverClan, remember? Ugh, now I have to drag you across the course behind me.  
>August: That should be against the rules.<p>

*Scene changes*  
>*Male Announcer*<br>-From the studio that brought you "The Meowing King" and "All Cats go to StarClan 2" comes an all new tale of love, leadership, and more love.  
>Actress Playing Starkit: "I am Starstar!"<br>-"Starkit and the Seven Toms," a movie based on the infamous fanfic, "Starkit's Prophecy".  
>APS: Firestar loves me, and Graystripe loves me, and Blackstar loves me, and Hawkfrost loves me...<br>-You'll want to miss this movie! Just look at our reviews- "Worst Movie of 2013"- New York Times, "Four Paws Down!" - Middleofnowhereville Film Fest.  
>APS: And Brambleclaw loves me, and Brackenfur loves me...<br>-"Starkit and the Seven Toms"- coming to a theater near you! Rated PG for Pure Garbage!

*Scene change*  
>Tansy: Now we interview...Ashfoot and Toadstep!<br>Pollen: *Whispering* Dang, we should have put her and Purdy together, she's so old.  
>Ash: Wha? What did you say? Young, un', get me my prune juice so's I can hear that weird-lookin' she-kit.<br>Pollen: Weird-looking…?  
>Toad: Noooo! I wanted to be on Warriors Wipeout, but not with an old cat! I'm telling my mom! MOMMY!<br>Daisy: What are you cats doing to my Toady-woady?  
>Toad: Mom! Don't call me that!<br>Daisy: You cats better either take my Toady off the show or get him a new partner!  
>August: Fine, we'll get rid of him.<br>Toad: MOM! See what you did?  
>Pollen: Don't despair, my friend. There will be other Wipeouts.<br>Tansy: This time, let's get one from August's diary!  
>Pollen: Okay. How about Rowanclaw?<br>Tansy: Ha! You're in love with a ShadowClan cat!  
>August: Who said that?<br>Tansy: Me!  
>August: He's only in my diary because he's distantly related to Brackenfur… *Stares dreamily into distance*<br>Tansy: Brackenfur? He's so nerdy and nice! Where's your wild side, August?  
>Pollen: Break it up, cats. Ashfoot will be partnered with Rowanclaw.<br>Ash: And he'll do my laundry, clean my dishes... *One hour later*  
>Ash: ...and go to the grocery store! *Hits Rowan with her cane* You got that?<br>Rowan: No way!  
>Pollen: We'll be back after the break! And after Rowanclaw does his chores!<br>Rowan: NOOO!

*Scene changes*  
>*Cool Voiceover Cat*<br>-In a world where cats can't speak…  
>Lionblaze: *Crying* Meow.<br>Jayfeather: *Bored* Mew. Mew meow meow mew mew.  
>Dovewing: *Livid with anger* Meow? Hiss mew hiss snarl.<br>Hollyleaf: *?* Moo.  
>-A single twoleg changes everything.<br>*Screen widens to show a thirteen-year-old girl behind a computer*  
>Lionblaze: I like Cinderheart.<br>Jayfeather: Dovewing, I told you not to play with that.  
>Dovewing: No cat understands my need to be whiny and irritating! I have moodswings!<br>Hollyleaf: Moo.  
>-Buy the new Apple PC 3GL. It makes things cooler.<p>

*Scene changes*  
>Pollen: And welcome back to Warriors Wipeout!<br>August: Ashfoot and Rowanclaw have already started the course.  
>Tansy: *Staring wide-eyed up at the course* Oh, this can't be real, right? That cat shouldn't be on here.<br>Ash: Now youngster, let me on your back!  
>Rowan: *Groans loudly*<br>Ash: Now don't you groan at me, mister!  
>Pollen: Rowan and Ash are taking their sweet time on The Lollipop Punch, but they haven't fallen!<br>August: Surely Ash on Rowan's back isn't allowed?  
>Pollen: Let's check. *Flips through book that looks suspiciously like Tansy's diary, then grins* HERE it says…<br>August: Who cares! They made it without falling.  
>Pollen: But it took them an hour. Tansy's actually asleep. Berrynose made it to the finishing platform in less time than that. Look how slow they're moving to The Block Swing.<br>Ash: MY BACK! *Falls in*  
>Rowan: Seriously? Wow. Just… wow.<br>Jayfeather, Flametail, Mothwing, and Emergency Den cats: HOLD ON, CITIZEN! WE SHALL RESCUE YOU!  
>Ash: No worries! I used my life alert!<br>Pollen: She's so irritating. What a—  
>August: BADGER!<br>Pollen: THAT WAS MY LINE!  
>Tansy: This won't end well. Uh… let's go to a commercial break! Pollen and August will reveal who made it to the next round when we come back! I hope…<p>

*Scene Changes*  
>Hawkfrost: Hm...I can't seem to get a girlfriend. What should I do? I'm pretty handsome, so it shouldn't be this hard to get a she-cat to worship, I mean fall in love with, me.<br>Tigerstar: Hello, good sir! Are you having trouble finding that special she-cat?  
>Hawkfrost: *Sighing* Yes.<br>Tigerstar: Then try !  
>Hawfrost: What's ?<br>Tigerstar: The all new online dating site for Dark Forest toms!  
>Hawkfrost: Awesome! I'll make a video for the site now!<br>Hawkfrost's dating video: Hello, I'm Hawkfrost. I tried to kill Firestar. I'm evil, but I look fabulous! Call me at 1-888-fab-hawk!  
>Tigerstar: Did it work?<br>Hawkfrost: It sure did! I met Ivypool at , and we've been together ever since!  
>Tigerstar: Remember, cats, will find you the evil love of your life. That's !<br>Brokenstar: *speaking really fast* Warning: Relationships formed on are not proven to last. is not responsible for the following: heartbreaks, wars, loss of life, cats suddenly turning nice, good cats being sent to the DF upon death, or kits that turn evil. Consult "Tigerstar's Mate Removal" if relationship does not work out.  
>(End of Part 2)<p> 


	3. Who's Moving On?

**A/N-**

**Hello again!**

**Part Three is here!**

**Disclamery-Thing- Not mine. Duh.**

THE PART WHERE WE REVEAL WHO WILL MOVE ON!

Pollen: *In leg brace* Welcome back to Warriors Wipeout! Kits and queens! She-cats and toms! Mentors-  
>August: *With polticed ear swathed in moss and bandaids laced over pelt* -and apprentices!<br>Pollen: Don't make me go through this again, mouse-brain. Don't interrupt me anymore.  
>August: What?<br>Pollen: You know what I said, girl! You can't do anything about it after your dad filed that restraining order!  
>Tansy: Your dad's a lawyer?<br>August: HUSH, BADGER. NOT IN THE MOOD.  
>Pollen: *Grinning* Well, I know you've all been waiting to hear who will be moving on.<br>August: Probably not. The cats who made it on were obvious.  
>Pollen: STAHP. I'm trying to talk! You're driving me nuts.<br>August: If I can't destroy you physically to get my revenge, I shall have to do so mentally.  
>Tansy: That sounds like fun!<br>Pollen: I'M TRYING TO TALK! PLEASE! The fans will think we're stalling.  
>Tansy: But we are! The directors gave us the script and titled this part "Stalling for Time to Keep Interest Levels".<br>Pollen: ...Okay. But anyways, let's reveal who will be moving on. First, we'll do riddles. Then contests so the fans can pick a few...  
>August: The six teams moving on to Round Two will be:<br>Brokenstar/Yellowfang  
>SquirrelflightHollyleaf  
>BluestarMosskit  
>JayfeatherCrowfeather  
>FerncloudAshfur  
>BumblestripeTigerheart.  
>Pollen: ...WHAT ON THIS GOOD EARTH ARE YOU THINKING!? WE WERE GOING TO MAKE THREE POSTS-WORTH OF THIS STUFF, AND YOU JUST FLAT OUT TELL THEM! YOU ARE THE LAMEST CAT EVER! WHY, THIS IS JUST RIDICULOUS! DO YOU READ THE SCRIPT AT ALL? YOU'RE SO SELF-SATISFYING, IT'S SICK! YOU... YOU... BADGER!<br>August: *Stares in shock, ears reddening furiously. After standing stock-still for a moment, let's out an eir-piercing howl of fury, then leaps onto Pollen with claws unsheathed* FORGET THE RESTRAINING ORDER! DIE!  
>Tansy: O.o<br>Pollen: *Fighting back* HOW ARE YOU GONNA PAY THE FEE FOR THE R.O., YOU BADGER?  
>August: I'LL SELL THE SHOW! WHATEVER IT TAKES TO GET BACK AT YOU!<br>Pollen: NOW YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS! YOU'VE BEEN NOTHING BUT CRUEL TO ME SINCE BRACKENFUR DIED IN BRAMBLESTAR'S STORM!  
>August: SHUT IT! SHUT IT SHUT IT SHUT IT!<br>Pollen: GET OVER YOURSELF! HE WAS NEVER SINGLE ANYWAYS!  
>August: I LOVED HIM. YOU SPITED ME AND SPAT AT ME EVERY DAY AFTER THE BOOK WAS RELEASED! NOW I'M GETTING MY REVENGE!<br>Pollen: I NEVER MEANT TO HURT YOU! AND YOU KNOW HOW I FELT AFTER JAY-JAY FELL IN LOVE WITH BRIARLIGHT! MY HEART WAS BROKEN INTO A MILLION PIECES, AND YOU JUST SCORNED ME! YOU SAID I SHOULD'VE JUST GOTTEN OVER IT!  
>August: ...YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! I LOVED HIM SO MUCH! YOU WERE JUST A FANGIRL!<br>Pollen: WE DATED AS APPRENTICES! HE SAID HE'D NEVER LEAVE ME; THAT HIS LOVE BELONGED TO ME ONLY! BUT THEN HE LEFT ME FOR SOME CHICK NAMED HALF MOON, AND THEN I HAD MY SURGERY AFTER THE BATTLE WITH MOUNTAINCLAN! HE DIDN'T RECOGNIZE ME WHEN HE RAN THE FIRST COURSE LAST WEEK, BUT I RECOGNIZED HIM. I STILL LOVE HIM!  
>August: *Breaking away* I... I don't know what to say...I just thought... *Blinks away tears as blood trickles into eyes*<br>Pollen: You never think! All you ever think about is yourself!  
>August: I said I was sorry! Please! Forgive me! I won't sell the show. I'll get another job to pay for the restraining order. Please, just say we can still be friends.<br>Pollen: How can we? After the lines you've crossed?  
>August: *Tears streaming down face* I don't know.<br>Tansy: *Watching intently while eating cookies* Wow! This is good TV!  
>Pollen and August: COOKIES!<br>Tansy: Yeah, Ashyfur made them for me. He asked me out after he came on the show, while I was trying to get Ferncloud to calm down. Want some?  
>Pollen and August: YEAH! *Grabs cookies and begins devouring them*<br>Tansy: Are they good?  
>August: Amazing!<br>Tansy: Wow! So you're not mad at each other anymore?  
>Pollen: *Licking crumbs off a ginger paw* What are you talking about?<p> 


	4. Round Two, Part One

**A/N- These parts were written before Bramblestar's Storm was released.**

**Disclaimer again. Nothing is mine.**

**-{Line Break}-**

Round 2!

Part 1!  
>*Scene Changes*<br>Nightcloud: She-cats, do you love coffee, but hate paying for it at expensive chain coffee shops?  
>Leafpool: Yes!<br>Nightcloud: Then you should try "The Coffee Cloud"- an all new coffee shop run by yours truly!  
>Leafpool: Why is your coffee shop so great?<br>Nightcloud: Just try one of my award-winning lattes! It's kept Ashfoot alive for years!  
>Leafpool: Your coffee prolongs life?<br>Nightcloud: It sure does! Just one latte a day keeps greencough away!  
>Leafpool: Great! I'll buy seven!<br>Ashfoot: *Speaking extremely fast* Warning: Drinking lattes every day may cause: loss of life, loss of tails, loss of common sense, loss of Crowfeather, loss of kits, fear of badgers/cats named Nightcloud. Please drink responsibly.  
>Leafpool: Wait a minute! Drinking these lattes made Crowfeather dump me and I had to give up my kits! I'm suing!<br>Nightcloud: You can't! Your were warned. Remember, she-cats, try "The Coffee Cloud"!  
>*Leafpool attacks Nightcloud*<br>*Scene Changes*  
>*Tom announcer*<br>-Tired of annoying people? Well, if you can't beat them, join them with our MinusIQ Pill!  
>Holly: *Drooling* Whaaaat?<br>-This is an example of a satisfied costumer!  
>Holly: What's a cooooosttuuuuummerr?<br>-See? If you want what she has, call (IMA)MEA-NIEE. That's right! (IMA)-MEA-NIEE. Call now!

*Scene Changes*  
>Pollen: Whaaaaaaaatttt?<br>Tansy: Dear gosh, no.  
>Pollen: May fools! Hi again, and welcome back to Warriors Wi-<br>Tansy: I think they know what the show it is by now.  
>Pollen: Oh, so now YOU'RE interrupting me?<br>August: We're finally at my favorite part of the day; ROUND TWO!  
>Pollen: I thought you said the Warriors Wipeout Zone was your favorite part.<br>August: SHUN THE SPOILER-BADGER POLLEN-KITTY!  
>Tansy: Let's get to the course, where our first two teams are about to duke it out on our new obstacle course; The Double Cross.<br>Pollen: Ooh. Sounds ominous! How's this gonna play out?  
>Tansy: Well, the two teams will each have one representative, and there will either be two or three rounds for each two teams we matched up. Here's the Double Cross from a jay's eye view.<br>Pollen: JAY! Like my Jay-Jay? Did we hire him to be our helicopter-photographer?  
>August: Polly, we need to have a talk.<br>Tansy: Polly? *Shakes head decisively, then does so again in a Hawkfrost-like way* Yeah! I'm good lookin' like Ashfur!  
>Ash: Love ya' sweetheart!<br>August: BRAMBLECLAW IS BETTER THAN YOU!  
>Ash: Hush, badger.<br>August: GRAWRRR!  
>Tansy: Pollen, quick! Restrain her! She mustn't hurt my chances with Ashy! Meanwhile, let's see that bird's eye view.<br>Pollen: *Letting go of August* If you don't call it jay-jay's eye view, you can kiss your tom-friend goodbye.  
>Tansy: NO! *Throws down microphone and rushes over to restrain August*<br>Pollen: Okay then. I don't know how she planned to give us that bird's eye view, so I'll just tell you. *Stoops to pick up Tansy's mike* Hey! There's a popcorn maker under your feet! You didn't even share!  
>Tansy: *Being gnawed by August* Just tell us about the course!<br>Pollen: 'Kay. Well, the first two contestants will start at that first platform. They will then enter that spinning circle about a hundred fox-lengths away by running across a green rotating arm, and make it to the center while avoiding the four yellow bar thingies going in the other direction. Then they exit on the only red rotating arm, jumping onto the Big Ball on the other side and then onto the finishing platform without falling off. Is that right, Tans?  
>August: *Pausing while tearing fur off Tansy's tail* Tans?<br>Pollen: Okay then. So, the first one of them to make it to the finishing platform gets one point for their team. Then, the other two cats from their teams will run the same way. If the same team that won last time wins again, they will be moving on to the next round. If the opposite team's representative wins, we will have a tie-breaker round where each of the two teams picks their representative, and whichever team's representative wins will move to the next round!  
>Tansy: *Prying August off with a crowbar as Ashfur is finally put in a safe room* That's about right! And now we'll go to our first team up, Tigerheart and Bumblestripe.<br>Pollen: Wrong! First we'll go to commercial break.  
>August: I hate you. I hate you ALL.<p>

*Scene Changes*  
>Bluestar: Having trouble keeping up with your kits?<br>Dustpelt:*Wearing curlers and fuzzy pink slippers* SPIDERKIT! I told you not to play with Foxkit. He's too young to enter the lottery! Larchkit, don't dig your claws in there! Firestar made that for Lionkits' birthday! That reminds me. Icekit, please stop staring at Lionkit. He's way out of your league. And Shrewkit, your mother's going to kill you when she gets back from patrol! You're not supposed go use it that way! UGH! I can't take this anymore! Ferny needs to buy a real kitsitter!  
>Blue: But you don't have to pay at all! Call StarClan Kitsitting Service now, and we'll send you quality sitters, absolutely free!<br>Dust: THANK YOU! YOU ARE THE LIGHT OF MY EYES! THIS SERVICE IS MY DAY, IT IS MY LIGHT, IT IS MY ALL, I MUST USE IT!  
>Blue: Uh... great! Just one thing-<br>Dust: Thanks! *Speeds away with phamplet for "Starkit's Salon and Spa" in tow*  
>Blue: Ooookay then! *Smiling proudly* Another satisfied customer!<br>Hawkfrost: *Wearing a black dress with fishnet stockings and pink claw polish. Speaking in sqeaky teenage girl voice* Hello little kits! I bet we'll have lots of fun!  
>Icekit: Hey, I've seen you in a dream before! You're not a kit-sitter! You're a Dark Forest cat!<br>Brokenstar: *Wearing lettermen jacket and fur gel. Speaks in deep voice* Hey, whatchu talking bought?  
>Birchkit: Hey, that's right! I recognize that wierd brown cat in a dress from the journey!<br>Foxkit: ATTACK!  
>Broken: Yeh, like we'd evah be scared of- GWAH!<br>Blue: Not only are they wonderful care-givers, but also great intertainment for the kits! Plus it's for a good cause!  
>Yellowfang: You'll be helping cats who need to change their evil ways.<br>Blue: So call Dar-kfor-est now! And get the relaxation you deserve!

*Scene Changes*  
>Tansy: They're back again, Pollen.<br>Pollen: *Takes off spectacles and puts down Artemis Fowl* You could've mentioned that before Krispy started filming!  
>August: Anyways, let's get back to the course where our next match-up has been selected.<br>Tansy: So, Bumblestripe, how do you feel about making it this far? Kind of lucky to get such a good teammate, right?  
>Bumble: About that…<br>Tiger: DOVEWING! WHY HATH THOU FORSAKEN ME? THINE EYES HATH BEEN CLOUDED BY LOVE'S CRUEL GRIP! SO BY MY FATHER'S GRAVE-  
>Rowan: What are you talking about? I'm still alive. Just disqualified.<br>Tiger: -I SHALL AVENGE YOU! AFTER I WIN THIS GRIEVIOUS TEST OF STENGTH, STAMINA, AND WIT!  
>August: Ha! He's crazy.<br>Tansy: What gave you that idea?  
>August: There's no wit here.<br>Pollen: Shut it.  
>August: Someone's upset about being interrupted while reading…<br>Krispy: *A white-furred cat behind camera* Can you interview the next guys before I run out of film?  
>Tansy: Actually, the next team's made up of she-cats… I think.<br>Moss: Will you stop saying that!? I'm a-  
>Blue: Hush, sweetie, and let the badger interview us again.<br>August: BADGER?  
>Krispy: Does she ever get tired of that?<br>Pollen: Do I get tired of Jayfeather and Artemis Fowl? Does Tansy get tired of being called a badger?  
>Tansy: Actually, yes.<br>Pollen: Then no, my co-host does not!  
>Tansy: Well then… So, Bluestar. What's it like making it to the first second round ever on Warriors Wipeout?<br>Blue: Well, it's pretty great. To tell you the truth, I'm really nervous about who we're competing against. Bumblestripe isn't exactly an athlete, but Tigerheart? That cat has skills!  
>Mosskit: OH MY GOSH, Tigerheart? We're gonna see TIGERHEART? *Squealing* SWOON! I AM TIGGY'S BIGGEST FAN! None of the she-cats in Mrs. Graypool's homeroom are EVER gonna believe I competed against him! *Faints*<br>August: Thank goodness we cleared up her gender.  
>Pollen: But that was gonna be a running gag! *Pouts* I'm sticking with it anyways.<br>Tansy: Well apparently, we need to go to break to give Polly more time to read her book.  
>August: Daw, is somecat grumpy?<br>Pollen: *Slams book into August's chest. Said action causes the tortoiseshell to fall out of her chair and land with a cry of pain on the concrete below* Not anymore. See you after these messages!

*Scene Changes*  
>*She-cat Announcer*<br>-Do you hate when your parents or mentors make you read?  
>Molepaw, Cherrypaw, Dovepaw, Ivypaw, Lilykit, Seedkit, Amberkit, Snowkit, and Dewkit: Yes!<br>Hollyleaf: Moo.  
>-Then buy the Jayfeather's Summary Book! This book will get you through your time in the apprentice den or the nursery!<br>Lionblaze: Go read _Tunnels_, Dovepaw!  
>Dove: But I was gonna meet... uh... a friend tonight.<br>Lion: Too bad. Quiz Thursday. *Leaves*  
>Dove: *Grinning* I bought Jayfeather's Summary Book, so now I can go be better than my sister and play-<br>Cherrypaw: HANG OUT.  
>Dove- PLAY with Cherrypaw.<br>-You can get yours today for two easy payments of 10 rabbits! Thats right, 10 rabbits! Just call Jay-fea-ther today!

*Scene Changes*  
>Tansy: Let's get started! Mosskit will be up against Bumblestripe.<br>Bumble: What? I'm supposed to beat a kit? That doesn't seem fair for her.  
>Pollen: Him.<br>Bumble: Whatever. I'd beat her immediately. It's not fair for him.  
>Moss: I HATE YOUR GUTS, YOU CROW-FOOD EATING BADGER! YOU STOLE DOVEWING FROM TIGGY! I SHALL PUT YOU TO SHAME! *Flies onto green rotating arm, ducking to avoid the sweeper* HA! THIS IS SIMPLE! I WILL RUN THIS COURSE AND DANCE ON YOUR ASHES! MY CLAWS SHALL MEET YOUR FLESH ON THE FINISHING PLATFORM! BLOOD SHALL REIGN ON THE BIG BALLS!<br>Ashfur: Did someone call me?  
>Pollen: No. Go back to the safe room.<br>Ash: Okay!  
>Bumble: Heshe's crazy! There's no way I'm running this. I'm leaving to file a restraining order. *Takes a cab to August's dad's cubical*  
>Tansy: Why do cats always resolve conflicts with restraining orders these days?<br>August: Who cares! Bumblestripe's disquailified from this round for leaving the course! That means one point for Blue/Moss!  
>Pollen: Why are you shouting?<br>August: My period and question mark buttons are jammed!  
>Pollen: I'll pretend that makes sense and move on. Anyways, for his team to have a chance of moving on, Tigerheart will HAVE to win this next point.<br>Tiger: No problem. *Leaps onto green rotating arm and pelts across to the center while avoiding sweeper bars* Nothing to it!  
>Blue: Okay then. I guess I'll try. *Jumps onto red rotating arm. A flaming meteorite falls from the sky and crushes her dead*<br>Tansy: Not so fast, badger! Remember that you enter on green and exit on red.  
>Moss: I hate badgers.<br>August: Hey, can Mosskit be my apprentice! Please!  
>Tansy: Stop shouting and I'll think about it.<br>August: Sweet! But I don't know how to stop!  
>Pollen: How do you have authority to name StarClan apprentices?<br>Tansy: Well, now that Bluestar's dead, some cat has to lead StarClan. Ashy?  
>Ashfur: Sure sweetie! *Goes to by a "#1 Boss" coffee cup*<br>August: If Bluestar's dead, who's gonna be Mosskit's partner!  
>Bluestar: *Emerging from rubble of meteorite* I'm okay! That was only my fourth StarClan life.<br>August: Unfair! Tigerstar only had one in the Dark Forest when Firestar-  
>Moss: SHUN THE SCARY SPOILER-BADGER!<br>August: *Growls and sulks in the Spoiler Corner*  
>Pollen: Moving on! This will be the final round. Each team has one point, so the winner of this will be moving on!<br>Tansy: Who will you pick from your team, Tigerheart?  
>Tiger: Obviously me, dummy.<br>Tansy: Well, gosh. You're a… meanie-head.  
>Tiger: Nice comeback. I guess you have looks and no brains.<br>Ashfur: SHAT UP! NO ONE TALKS ABOUT MY TANSY-PANSY LIKE THAT!  
>Tansy: Ashy, I can handle this. I'll show him no brains… Mosskit, you'll be up against Tiger!<br>Blue: But I thought we got to pick who would represent in the final round.  
>Tansy: Just trust me.<br>*Airhorn sounds*  
>Tiger: *Leaps onto green rotating arm, steadying himself to keep from falling off as a sweeper arm takes him on the muzzle. He stays on with a smug smile*<br>Moss: OH MY GOSH TIGGY! *Leaps over to stand in his way* Hi! I'm Mosskit. I'm your biggest fan!  
>Tiger: That's great kid. Now step aside and leave me to my work.<br>Moss: Oh, but can't I talk to you?  
>Tiger: I'm in the middle of-<br>Moss: I know EVERYTHING about you! Your favorite color is the color of Dovewing's eyes, and your favorite movie is The Notebook, and you were on the swim team in middle school because you couldn't make it into the National Junior Honor Society, and you majored in sock puppetry, and you've been diagnosed with a superiority complex, and you make extra mice working as a therapy cat at an orphanage, and you want to be a professional backup singer!  
>Tiger: Yeah… *Sits down to reevaluates life*<br>Moss: It was great talking to you! *Dashes safely to the center*  
>Tiger: Whoa, wait up! *Races over, but is nailed by a sweeper and falls into water*<br>Moss: *Leaps onto Big Ball, steadies herself, then jumps onto finishing platform* Yay! I did it!  
>August: She hates badgers AND can destroy others psychologically? Bluestar, please let me take her as an apprentice?<br>Pollen: Hey, you're not shouting anymore!  
>August: Yup? I'm thrilled about it, too?<br>Pollen: *Sighs*  
>Blue: Sorry, August. My baby already has a private tutor.<br>August: Who? I want to know?  
>Blue: Goosefeather.<br>August: O.o *Sits down to reevaluate life*  
>Tansy: *Ignoring others* Congratulations, Mosskit! You and your mom are moving on to round three!<br>Moss: Really? SQUEE! Will I be up against Flametail? I love Flamby! No cat will believe I met him! He went to community college for nine years, and works at the Hobby Lobby uptown, and was an intern for Firestar last year, and his favorite food is Tai, even though it upsets his digestion.  
>Flametail: *Sits down while watching Warriors Wipeout on pay-per-view to reevaluate life*<br>Pollen: Who would pay to watch this?  
>August: I totally would?<br>Pollen: Forget I asked.  
>August: Okay?<br>Tansy: Well, come back after the commercial break to see our next two teams face off on The Double Cross!  
>Pollen: *Puts on spectacles and takes out Redwall* What on earth? This isn't my Holly Short and Artie Fowly.<br>August: Yeah, funny story about that?  
>Pollen: Wait... WHAT!?<br>Tansy: KRISPY, TURN THE CAMERA OFF NOW!  
>(End of Part 1)<p> 


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